Date: July 18, 2025
Dynamic warm-up | 8:00
2 sets:
- 200-meter run
- 10 alternating Spiderman stretches
- 5 up-downs
- 10 PVC front squats
- 5 burpees
- 10 PVC shoulder presses
Specific Warmup: 5 Minutes
3 Rounds:
Light Load: 3 muscle cleans, 3 front squats, 3 push presses.
Hang Cluster Warmup 10 Minutes
3-3-3-3-3
Build up to your workout weight in the main Metcon and then complete 5 sets of 3 clusters.
Complete 1 set of 3 every two minutes for 5 minutes.
Time
CrossFit 250718
For time: 5-10 Minutes
– RX –
3 rounds for time:
- 9 hang power cleans (75/115 lb)
- 12 thrusters
- 15 lateral burpees over the bar
– INTERMEDIATE –
3 rounds for time:
- 9 hang power cleans (55/75 lb)
- 12 thrusters
- 15 lateral burpees over the bar
– BEGINNER –
3 rounds for time:
- 6 hang power cleans (35/45 lb)
- 9 thrusters
- 12 lateral burpee bar step-overs
– MASTERS 55+ –
3 rounds for time:
- 9 hang power cleans (55/75 lb)
- 12 thrusters
- 15 burpees over the bar
CrossFit Gymnastics Skill Work
Every two minutes for 12 minutes
Handstand Walk 25 FT
Medball Crunches 30 reps (20lbs /14 lbs)
For Quality
Handstand Walk Scaling:
- Handstand Walk 25ft Rx
- Partner Assisted Handstand Walk (Int)
- Band Supported Handstand Walk
- Wall Supported Handstand Walk
- Bear Crawl
Medball Scaling: reduce weight and/or reps.
Stretching
Accumulate:
- 1:00 foam roll upper back
- 1:00 double-forearm stretch
- 1:00 Down Dog Calf Stretch
- 1:00 Saddle Pose Left
- 1:00 Saddle Pose Right
- 1:00 Dancer Left
- 1:00 Dancer Right
Executive Summary from the Lair of Doom
Greetings, my muscular minions! Dr. DOMS here, reporting from my underground fortress gymnasium (complete with laser security system and protein shake dispenser). After analyzing this so-called “CrossFit” torture session, I must say… I’m impressed. This workout shows genuine villainous potential.
The Diabolical Breakdown
Phase 1: The Warm-Up of Deception (23 minutes)
“Lull them into a false sense of security…”
Ah, the classic villain move! Begin with what appears to be innocent “dynamic stretching” and “PVC pipe movements.” The heroes think they’re safe, doing their little Spiderman stretches. But little do they know, you’re actually preparing their bodies for the REAL torture ahead.
Evil Rating: 6/10 – Too obvious. A true villain would disguise this as a “fun dance party.”
Phase 2: The Cluster Bomb Preparation (10 minutes)
“Build their confidence before crushing their spirits…”
Brilliant! Make them think they’re getting stronger with these “cluster” movements. Let them feel powerful, let them add weight, let them believe they’re in control. Meanwhile, you’re systematically identifying their exact breaking point for the main event.
Evil Rating: 9/10 – Psychological warfare at its finest!
Phase 3: The Main Torture Device – “250718” (5-10 minutes)
“The moment of truth… MWAHAHAHA!”
FOR TIME! The most diabolical phrase in fitness! Nothing says “I want to watch you suffer” quite like making someone race against the clock while performing increasingly exhausting movements.
Let’s examine the torture devices:
- Hang Power Cleans: Force them to repeatedly lift heavy objects from an awkward position
- Thrusters: Combine squatting AND pressing because why let them rest between movements?
- Lateral Burpees Over Bar: Make them jump over the very instrument of their torment!
The scaling options are particularly devious – you’ve created the illusion of choice while ensuring everyone suffers appropriately for their skill level. Even the “Masters 55+” category… you’ve accounted for aging heroes! Diabolical!
Evil Rating: 10/10 – Pure, concentrated suffering in under 10 minutes!
Phase 4: The Gymnastics Gauntlet (12 minutes)
“Just when they think it’s over…”
Walking on their hands?! Making them do crunches while holding a medicine ball?! And you’ve done this EVERY TWO MINUTES for 12 minutes? This is the kind of creative torture that would make even my robot army weep oil tears.
The scaling from “partner-assisted” to “bear crawl” is particularly cruel – you’ve ensured that even the weakest heroes must crawl like the animals they are!
Evil Rating: 8/10 – Bonus points for making them do this “for quality” rather than speed, prolonging the agony!
Phase 5: The False Mercy (7 minutes)
“Stretching… how… thoughtful…”
Oh, you clever fiend! Just when they think you’ve shown mercy with “stretching,” you make them hold painful positions for a FULL MINUTE each! Seven different torture positions! And you’ve disguised it as “recovery.” The audacity!
Evil Rating: 7/10 – Excellent psychological manipulation!
Overall Villainous Assessment
| Criteria | Score | Analysis |
|---|---|---|
| Deception Level | 9/10 | Masterful use of “warm-up” and “stretching” |
| Suffering Efficiency | 10/10 | Maximum pain in minimal time |
| Psychological Warfare | 8/10 | “For time” creates mental pressure |
| Scalability of Torture | 9/10 | Ensures everyone suffers appropriately |
| Equipment Complexity | 10/10 | Just 1 barbell to seal your doom. |
| Minion Retention | 8/10 | Difficult enough to weed out the weak |
| Hero Crushing Potential | 10/10 | Even superheroes would struggle |
Final Verdict
Total Evil Score: 9.5/10
This workout shows genuine promise for breaking the spirits of do-gooders everywhere. The combination of false hope, time pressure, and progressive exhaustion demonstrates a sophisticated understanding of human suffering.
One Small Critique
The only flaw I can identify is the inclusion of “recovery” time. A true villain would chain these workouts together indefinitely! But I suppose even we super villains need our minions to return tomorrow.